


Lost

by tears_of_the_sun



Series: Buddie healing [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anorexia, Body Image, Cutting, Drowning, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gang Rape, Gang Violence, Gun Violence, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:42:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23873350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tears_of_the_sun/pseuds/tears_of_the_sun
Summary: Buck is going through, and recovering from a rape which Eddie doesn't know about at first. Eddie helps Buck through, and they both find their footing in their roles as boyfriends, and support systems.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buddie healing [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730074
Comments: 49
Kudos: 176





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! please don't read if you are triggered by self harm/body image issues. the body image issues are mentioned very briefly, but cutting plays a fairly dominant role here. 
> 
> don't read if it might trigger you, and don't forget someone is out there to listen.

Buck was for all intensive purposes, lost. 

He didn’t really know what he was doing with his life. He and Eddie had been dating for about a year, and Buck had slumped into this depression that he couldn’t kick to save his life. 

He had been in therapy with frank, and nothing was working.

Eddie was supposed to be at work. Buck had decided a leave of absence might be best. When he had been at the station, he couldn’t kick how he was feeling and it had put him at risk once. Then he and Eddie decided a break was best. 

Buck had been hiding behind long sleeves, and barely letting Eddie even touch him. That really hurt Eddie, and he didn’t know how to help which turned to be frustration. 

It was rare that Buck would get out of bed, but he decided to take a bath. 

He rolled over and slowly got up making his way to the bathroom. He turned on the water, and tested it to make sure it wouldn’t be too hot. When he decided it was okay, he let it run. He pulled his shirt off and looked himself over in the mirror, hating what he saw. He had lost a bit of his muscle definition, and he had put on a few pounds. Then he lost a few. Then gained a few, and it was a vicious cycle, but he kept thinking he was gaining, which led him to eat less. 

He looked down at the soft pink scars on both his wrists, and looked away just as quickly. He numbly walked over to the tub, and got in. He let his body relax into the back of the tub as the warm water relaxed his muscles. The tub was safe. The water was calming, and welcoming. 

Before he really knew what was happening, he was under the water. 

Eddie had heard the water running as he opened the door. It was just him, Chris was with his abuela tonight. He wanted some time with his Buck. He made his way upstairs, not finding Buck in the bedroom, so he made his way into the bathroom. At first glance, he didn’t see Buck. Then he walked closer and realized Buck wasn’t breathing, and his lips were a soft shade of blue. 

Eddie reached into the tub immediately, grabbing Buck’s shoulders and pulling him up. Buck let out a small gasp, and looked startled. Eddie checked him over. Buck was pale, drained. His eyes were glossed over and held very little emotion, which told Eddie everything he needed to know. Buck was getting thinner, and it was really started to concern him. 

Then his eyes landed on the pink scars, which Buck quickly tried to hide. 

Eddie looked up into Bucks eyes. Searching. For something, anything to tell him his Buck was still in there. 

Eddie pulled Buck into his chest giving him a tight hug, getting his shirt soaked in the process. “I love you. I love you so so much,” he whispered softly running his hand through Buck’s blond curls. Eddie held him close, terrified to let go. 

It all made sense now. 

Buck’s evasive behavior’s, the sleeves, the baggy clothes. 

Buck was really suffering, and Eddie wanted to desperately to help. 

Eddie gently picked Buck up and brought him to the bedroom. He dried him off gently and helped him get dressed. Buck didn’t argue, but he didn’t say anything either. Eddie led Buck to sit on the bed, and he sat down. Eddie went and grabbed the first aid kit. 

Eddie knelt down in front of Buck, grabbing Buck’s wrist gently. The cuts were no more than a day old but looked to be only a few hours old. They had stopped bleeding, but one started again probably from the water and the towel. 

Eddie put on a pair of gloves, and carefully applied antibiotic cream to the wounds. He looked up at Buck, wanting so desperately to understand but he didn’t want to ask. Buck looked away from him. He didn’t have the energy to answer the questions he knew Eddie was asking internally. 

Eddie kept patching him up, and applied a butterfly bandage to one of them. He gently laid down dome gauze, and wrapped his wrist giving the antibiotic ointment time to sink in. Eddie gently grabbed Buck’s chin to look at him, “I love you. Regardless of the swings. Regardless of the bad days. Regardless of the cuts. Evan Buckley, I love you, I have never stopped loving you, and I never will. You are my soulmate, and I will always be here for you as long as you will have me.” Eddie whispered softly, not giving Buck the opportunity to look away. 

Buck listened to Eddie’s words and started to cry. Eddie sat next to Buck and pulled the blond boy into his lap holding him close. Buck nuzzled his face into Eddie’s shoulders and cried. His body shook with each sob, and Eddie held on to Buck just as tightly as Buck held onto Eddie. 

Keeping Buck in his arms, Eddie moved back so they were both laying down. Buck was still sobbing with his face nuzzled into Eddie’s chest. 

Eventually, his sobs slowed down and he fell asleep entangled in Eddie’s arms. 

Eddie’s thoughts wandered, but always came back to the question of what if he had not been home? What if he had been just a minute later? He had Buck in his arms now, and for now, he was safe. He would be there to help Buck however he could, and he needed Buck to know that. 

He would be there. 

Always.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has a break down and Eddie comforts him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is fairly sad, but doesn't mention self harm/body image issues. Just Eddie trying to comfort Buck.

Eddie took a leave of absence from the 118. Buck needed him more, and he needed to help Buck. That and, Eddie wasn’t risking coming home and finding Buck.. well.. 

Eddie and Buck had taken Chris to school that morning. Bucks first outing since he fully isolated in the house. They walked in the door and Eddie made it to the kitchen, but at some point Buck had stopped in between the door and the room with the food. 

Eddie turned to see tears streaming down his face, and Buck just dropped to his knees, letting out a soft broken cry. Eddie was at his side in a matter of seconds, but not fast enough to ease his fall. Eddie pulled the man he loved into his arms, rocking back and forth softly, “shhhh, I’m here. You’re okay. It’ll be okay...” Eddie trailed off. His right arm was wrapped around Buck, pulling his back into Eddie’s chest. Buck’s chin was resting on Eddies elbow in the tight little triangle. Eddie's left arm ran up and down Bucks arm and stroked his blond hair. 

Eddie held Buck close to him as he cried, doing everything he could think to do to calm him down, but Buck was hysterical and it broke Eddie's heart. Eddie held him close for what felt like an hour but had actually been longer. 

Seeing Buck this fragile, this broken, for seemingly no reason absolutely killed Eddie. 

There had been a reason, Buck just didn’t have it in him to tell him. 

Buck wrapped his hands on the arm that his chin was resting on and held on tightly. Each sob had him shaking more, and gently in Eddies arms. 

It took a while, but the cries slowed, his heart rate calmed, and his breathing returned to normal. Eddie hadn’t moved the entire time, or asked Buck to move from where he had fallen. 

Buck slowly sat up, and moving off his knees giving a chance for Eddie to do the same. Eddie rested his back against the wall, and Buck sat next to him. He put his legs over Eddies making a little triangle and Eddie pulled him in close. Buck rested his head on Eddies shoulder, normally Eddie wouldn’t press but he needed answers. 

“Baby? Do you want to talk about it?” Eddie asked softly and Buck shook his head. 

“did I do something?” Eddie asked gently. He knew it was probably a no, but he needed to make sure. 

Buck shot up immediately and looks straight into Eddies eyes. Buck’s big blue eyes red rimmed and puff, stared into Eddies stunning brown, very concerned and worried eyes. 

The look Buck gave him told Eddie everything he needed to know. Buck started to explain a little, his voice soft and raspy, and cracking every now and then, “Eddie, no. t-that’s so far f-from it,” Buck whispered and Eddie pulled him back into his arms when he noticed how much talking was making it worse. 

Buck rested his head gently on Eddie’s shoulder again and went fairly limp in Eddies arms letting himself relax completely into him. 

Eddie held him close for as long as Buck needed, not flinching or moving a muscle for the entire time. 

Eddie and Buck were both lost inside their minds. Eddie was trying to figure out how to help Buck, and Buck was just overthinking everything. Buck nuzzled his face into Eddie’s neck, and held onto Eddie tightly, “I love you…” Buck whispered softly. 

Eddie smiled gently to himself, it had been a while since Buck had said that, “I love you with every fiber of my being Evan.” He said softly and held the man he loved close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have an idea of where to take this. but is more needed? let me know below. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck wakes up from a night terror, and Eddie comforts him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This chapter mentions self harm, and we see into a little bit of what Buck has been through. We get to the opening scene that is heavily implied he is in a bad situation with some bad people though we don't know the full extent of it yet.

_Buck was locked in a room, his hands tied up above his head, his body hanging down from where his hands had been tied. His head kind of slumped over to the side and he groaned with pain. The lights flashed on and-_

Buck woke up with a jolt, sitting straight up breathing heavily. He looked around panicked, his heart rate running a thousand miles an hour. It was dark, and the room was starting to collapse in on him.

Eddie felt the quick movement and turned on the light looking up at Buck. He was drenched in sweat and shaking horribly. “Evan,” he whispered softly, and sat up.

Buck was breathing heavy still, and he was as pale as a ghost. He was almost panting. Eddie gently pulled Buck’s chin over to look at him. “look at me, listen to me, you’re safe. Will you breathe with me?” he asked, and Buck nodded unable to form words.

Eddie led Buck in a few breathing exercises. They breathed in for four, held for one and out for four. It took about ten minutes of that before Buck calmed down. Eddie had a hand on Buck’s shoulder the entire time, never breaking eye contact.

Eddie remained calm, and Buck appreciated it.

When Buck calmed down enough, Eddie searched his blue eyes, “Do you want to tell me what that was about?” he asked softly. Buck shook his head no quickly and Eddie nodded. “when you’re ready, I’m here. Okay?” he asked gently.

Buck nodded, and Eddie got up. “do you want to go back to sleep?” he questioned gently. Buck again shook his head no. “then come on, let’s get you in a bath.” He said gently. Eddie started walking to the bathroom and ran the bath. He put in some muscle relaxing oils and came back out. Buck hadn’t moved.

“Baby?” he asked softly. When Eddie came out of the bathroom, Buck slowly got up and went in. He closed and locked the door behind him.

Eddie was confused, but everything about Buck’s behavior lately confused and concerned him. He gave Buck his space but was worried the entire time he was behind the locked door. Especially after he had found him in the tub not too long ago.

Buck came out a little while later, soaked, with a towel wrapped around him. Eddie looked his body up and down, and immediately noticed Buck was trying to hide his wrist.

Buck went over to the closet and grabbed a hoodie and put it on. Eddie looked at him, and their eyes met. Buck’s eyes started to well with tears and Eddie walked over to him.

“let me see,” he said softly and slowly grabbed Buck’s wrist. He went slow, not wanting to spook Buck. Eddie looked at the cuts that had been getting progressively deeper, and there were a few vertical ones. That, he had a problem with.

With horizontal cuts, it was less likely he would hit a vein and do some serious damage, vertical cuts on the other hand….

Eddie kissed Buck’s forehead and gently led Buck to have him sit on the bed, and again went to get the first aid kit.

Buck sat down without arguing, and Eddie came back kneeling in front of him.

He took Buck’s wrist, put on a glove, and applied antibiotic cream to the wounds. He wrapped Buck’s wrist up, and Buck watched him the entire time. He wanted to talk, but still hadn’t recovered enough from the nightmare to talk.

Eddie offered a soft smile, “I know.” He whispered softly. He handed Buck his favorite pair of Eddie’s sweatpants, and a fresh set of boxers and went into the bathroom. He gave Buck a minute to get dressed and then came back out.

This time, it was Buck who pulled Eddie in for a hug. He nuzzled his face into Eddie’s neck. Eddie was his rock, he was safe, he was loving. Eddie showed Buck he cared in a more intimate and personal way than Buck would have ever thought possible before.

Eddie slowly picked Buck up, walking to the bed and laying down. Buck wrapped himself around Eddie’s body, and clung on for dear life.

Eddie made Buck feel safe, and loved, and that was absolutely everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter, I have the next one typed I just need to proof it. I will be changing the tags for the next chapter so please look at them before reading! 
> 
> Thank you for all of your kind and supportive comments, they mean the world to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie pulls Buck out of a flashback, triggering an unexpected response. 
> 
> Trigger warning, check the author's notes for more details and please read the tags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! if any of the following are triggers to you, I would advise not reading forward. However, you know yourself, and what you can handle. remember you are all so so loved, and if you need help there is always someone out there to listen (Including me! I'm a psych major and helping people is kinda my thing so don't be afraid!)
> 
> Trigger warning for:  
> body image, anorexia, flashback(but not described in this chapter), mentions/implied rape.

Buck was having not a horrible day?

Like. When you set the bar for ‘fine’ he wasn’t actively suicidal or crying on the floor, so he was fine?

But he hasn’t eaten in a while, well. He hasn’t willingly eaten in a while. Eddie was trying to get him to eat more, which Buck did to appease Eddie.

Buck got out of bed while Eddie took Chris to school and got in the shower. He washed everything off him, though he felt like he would never be fully clean again… he shuddered at the thought.

He quickly washed his body and his hair. He got out wrapping a towel around his waist. His hair was getting duller because he wasn’t getting enough nutrients. His stunning abs were slowly becoming less defined, but his collar bones popped out more than they had in years, and in Buck’s head, that was good. Even though that is in no way a staple of beauty, which he knew somewhere.

He brushed his teeth and towel dried his hair. He went into the bedroom and pulled on a tight t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

When Eddie came in, he found Buck sitting on the couch completely zoned out. He was lost in his own mind. Eddie knelt down in front of Buck, “baby?” he asked and gently rested a hand on Buck’s left arm, causing him to snap out of whatever trance he was in essentially jumping out of his skin.

Buck slapped Eddie with his right, his hand moved faster before he could comprehend it was Eddie and curled up in a ball trembling, “Don’t hurt me again, please…” he begged softly.

Eddie backed up, a sharp sting running through his cheek. Damn, Buck could hit. But he knew that. What was happening? Why was Buck waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and screaming? What had happened to his Buck?

Eddie was slowly starting to put the pieces together, but he still didn’t know for sure what happened.

And he hoped he was wrong. He didn’t want to be right about his hunch.

Eddie’s big brown eyes softened, and leveled on Buck who was still curled up in his little ball avoiding him. “Baby, Evan. Listen to my voice. It’s me Eddie. You’re safe, whatever happened, it wont happen again.” He whispered softly, calmly, completely collected.

Buck slowly started to come out of his ball. He lifted his head out of his arm enough for one of his blue eyes to look right at Eddie. He focused in him, studying every aspect of him. He slowly convinced himself that he was indeed safe, and his eyes focused on the red mark.

He was now sitting almost completely up, and pure panic and concern and regret rushed over him, “i-im so sorry,” Buck whispered softly, gently moving Eddie’s chin to the side so he could get a better look.

Eddie humored him for a minute, then looked Buck dead in the eyes, “it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. Listen to me when I say it’s okay, because it is. I’m not mad, at all. You are completely forgiven. Do not beat yourself up over this.” Eddie said firmly, leaving no room for argument.

Buck nodded softly. He still felt horrible, but he absorbed in Eddie’s every word and would try his best to listen.

“I-I got a call today,” he said softly, looking down again. He was worried he would be in trouble with Eddie which he knew was crazy but at the same time it wasn’t.

“From who, mi amour?” Eddie asked softly and extended his hand to Buck leaving it up to him if he wanted to talk it.

Buck took his hand with a gentle squeeze, appreciating his caution. “I-I need to go down to the police station” he murmured. Eddie’s eyes widened, but he stayed calm. His suspicions becoming scarily accurate to him in that moment.

“Of course, baby, whenever you’re ready, we can go.” Eddie said calmly, trying to hide how much his voice was shaking as best he could.

They made their way to Buck’s Wrangler because he wanted to drive, and they drove to the station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am absolutely horrible at tags, so if there's a blatant one I missed please drop it below. 
> 
> Don't forget you aren't alone, ever. 
> 
> thank you for the continued support & feedback!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie go to the police station to identify the men who hurt Buck. 
> 
> Buck finally tells Eddie a little of what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pay attention to the tags! this chapter is not graphic at all.

Buck held onto Eddie’s hand as he drove to the station. When Buck parked the Wrangler, he hung out for a minute. He wanted to talk, but he had been so at a loss for words for these last few weeks.

Eddie was going to find out, and Buck didn’t know how to be ready for that.

Buck had only moved in about two weeks ago, but Buck being distant had started before that. Eddie couldn’t pinpoint exactly, but he could pinpoint the day it climaxed. Eddie and Buck had been in a call and they needed to get a 13-year-old girl who weighed less than a hundred pounds out of the building, and Buck had volunteered to carry her down. However, he had been in excruciating pain and both he and the girl fell down a flight of stairs.

That’s the last day Buck had been at the 118. Luckily, Eddie helped Buck and the girl out and neither were further injured.

“Eddie..” Buck spoke soft, taking his hand away from Eddie’s. He couldn’t bring it in himself to look at the man he loved. “I need to tell you something before we go in…” he started to trail off.

Eddie shifted slightly, watching Buck, “Baby, whatever it is, you can tell me. But you don’t have to if you don’t feel comfortable.” Eddie said gently and watches as a tear rolls down Buck’s cheek.

Buck glanced over at him, looking up for a moment, “I need to,” he added gently.

Buck took a deep breath and shifted again. He took in a broken-up breath and collected his thoughts as the whole thing raced back to him. It hit him like a crushing pressure, the same pressure he had felt from the first blow of the tsunami wave. It was suffocating, but invisible.

How was something invisible causing him so much pain?

Buck took a few moments to compose himself. He didn’t even know how to say what he needed to say. He didn’t know how much detail was too much detail.

“these guys… they did some bad things…. A-and I swear I didn’t want to. I didn’t have a choice. I swear I didn’t cheat on you Eddie I…” Buck cut himself off as tears started to pour down his cheeks.

Eddie’s heart sank.

He had guessed it.

But he had hoped, prayed that he was wrong. His heart broke for Buck. With how much pain he must be in, and Eddie couldn’t even begin to imagine what he must be going through.

“Buck, Buck look at me,” he whispered slowly lifting Buck’s chin with his thumb, “this wasn’t your fault. Okay? I believe you. I’m not mad. I still love you, and we will get through this together. You’re safe, and you will be okay. Baby, I promise. I’m not going anywhere. This wasn’t your fault. You are so strong, and so brave.” He whispered softly and pulled Buck into a big hug.

Buck held on for dear life, crying into Eddie’s neck. In-between his sobs he apologized, and Eddie kept reassuring him. Eddie rocked softly as best he could with the middle console slightly in the way.

Eddie held Buck tight as the man cried in his arms. He wished, he so desperately wished there had been more that he could have done to help but he knew there wasn’t.

Buck calmed down after a little while, and he was ready to go in.

The couple walked hand-in-hand into the station.

Detective Parker was waiting for them and led them back into a room with one-way glass. “Mr. Buckley are you sure you are ready for this?” he asked gently. He had worked with many survivors in the past. Luckily, they had gotten a hit off the DNA, however it was only a half match to someone already in the system. It could have been an error, or a sibling or parent of the person in the system.

Eddie was right at Buck’s side the whole time, and Eddie gently squeezed Buck’s hand, grounding him. Buck nodded, and Detective Parker tapped on the glass.

Buck’s heart sank.

Eddie noticed how pale Buck had gone almost immediately, and the words Detective Parker asked next rang through his ears.

“Mr. Buckley, do you see the man who raped you?” he asked gently.

Buck looked over to him, “men” he corrected numbly. Buck’s eyes had grown cold and distant, but it was still so easy to see the young man’s entire expression shatter at the sight of them.

Detective Parker looked slightly surprised.

He had known it had been more than one preparator, but he didn’t think that they would have been related. Though, it should have been obvious to him.

“One, three and four,” Buck said softly, and turned away and hid in Eddie’s arms.

“Are you sure?” Detective Parker followed up, and all Buck could do was nod.

Detective Parker thanked Eddie and Buck for coming in and said they could take their time in the room and then they were free to go. After that, Detective Parker left the pair alone.

Eddie held Buck close, a very comforting presence to the man who had been so hurt. Eddie was pissed he hadn’t caught the signs sooner. He should’ve. It was his job to help. To be there. And he had failed.

Buck cried into Eddie’s neck, and Eddie whispered soft coos. “You were so brave,” he whispers gently rubbing his back, “I love you so much, you are so strong.” He kept giving Buck praises on repeat, coming up with variations but essentially saying the same thing.

Buck trembled faintly in Eddie’s arms, and Eddie supported him so he wouldn’t fall. Buck wore himself out enough that he was ready to leave. He gave the keys to Eddie; he didn’t have the mental capacity to drive right now.

Eddie opened the passenger door, and Buck got in. Eddie kissed his forehead gently, helping him get his seat belt on and shut the door. Eddie got in and turned the car on, slowly backing out. Buck rested his head back on the head rest and stared out the window. His eyes glossed over, and he wasn’t fully there. He was almost completely zoned out.

Eddie drove back to the house; his own thoughts were racing. He had studied all of the men Buck had mentioned. Three of them. Brothers. They hurt his Buck. Broke him, and he didn’t know how to help. But, if they ever saw the light of Freedom Day again, it would be their last. That, Eddie knew. They would never go near Buck again.

Eddie pulled into the driveway, and he got out going over to the passenger side. “Buck? Baby? Come back to me.” He pleaded, his eyes searching Buck’s glossy expression. It took a few seconds, but Buck’s eyes fluttered, and he was back to being annoyingly alert of his surroundings. “Come on, let’s get you inside and either a bath or a nap.” He said gently.

He helped Buck unbuckle the seat belt and helped him inside and to the bed. Buck toppled down with a soft thud and relaxed his entire body into the mattress. Eddie grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, but Buck didn’t have the energy to get changed. Buck’s eyes stayed on Eddie, and he gently patted the spot next to him, his eyes silently pleading Eddie to lay down.

Eddie did, and Buck was next to him in an instant. Buck tangled himself around Eddie. Buck was seeking his heat, safety, and protection. He slowly fell asleep; the sound of Eddie’s heart calmed his own and he drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I am ending this here or not. drop your comments. There could very well be more chapters, or it could be up to you guys to decide what happens. What do you guys think??


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has another nightmare, going back in time to when he was taken. Eddie starts to wonder when this had all happened, and he slowly figures it out. We see Athena's perspective, and learn more of what happened to Buck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic depictions of violence, pay attention to the tags.

When Buck finally fell asleep, Eddie got on his phone. He started reading articles about how to help a significant other who had endured a trauma, sexual assault, or rape. All of the articles pretty much said the same thing: let the person affected pick everything. Give them back the power of saying yes or no and be there. Let them pick their path to recovery and ask before you do anything. Check and see if there are any pre-existing triggers and keep a note of them as you discover more. But the most important thing you can do, is be there.

Buck started to whimper softly in his sleep, slowly becoming more distressed.

_Buck groaned as he came back to consciousness, every bone and muscle in his body aching. He pulled on his wrists with all his might, looking up at the ceiling to see them hanging above him. He pulled harder, and harder until they were raised by a laughing man._

_He was in a completely dark room and had no way of figuring out how long he had been there, or how long he had been unconscious._

_Buck pulled furiously at the cuffs, but the more he did so the more he was lifted off the ground, and the more strain was put on his upper body._

_Buck heard the menacing laughing of a man, and he spun himself around. His eyes landed on a man about his height, with brown hair and radiant green eyes that looked like that of a snake._

_Fitting, Buck thought, because he was a snake._

_Buck was terrified, but he didn’t let it show to the snake-eyed man._

_The man stood up, and approached him slowly, “well, well, well. Look who finally woke up.”_

_The man slid his hand down the strained muscles in Buck’s back, inching forward to his abs. In this moment, Buck spit at the man, “let me go.” Buck said firmly. He clenched his body even though it hurt more to do so, and he moved back out of the man’s grasp best he could considering he was on his tiptoes._

_The man laughed, wiping the spit off his cheek._

_The next thing Buck knew, he felt a painful blow to his left temple. He groaned and slipped back into unconsciousness._

Buck woke up, shooting right back up with a soft scream and holding his head. He curled up in a ball trembling. The light was on immediately and like before Eddie was pulling him close.

On the scale of how bad nightmares could be, this one had not been horrible. But the snake-eyed man’s eyes were there every time Buck closed his own.

Eddie pulled Buck into his chest, “shhh, you’re okay. I’m here. I’m here.” He whispered softly and held the blond-haired man close. Eddie hated that he couldn’t make the nightmares go away, this was the only thing he could do to help.

Buck nuzzled into Eddie’s chest, allowing his heart rate to calm him down. Eddie had been scared, but his heart rate was just about normal.

Eddie and Buck both held onto each other as if their life depended on it. Eddie kissed Buck’s forehead gently. There was a lot that Eddie didn’t know still, and the lack of information had allowed his brain to wander.

Eddie’s brain had wandered to the darkest of all the places. Imagining the worst possible case scenarios. The men in the room had looked tough, and dangerous and it really did not help the images flashing through Eddie’s mind. Eddie hadn’t seen any visible bruises on Buck. Not even when he had pulled him out of the tub. So, had they hurt him? Did Buck just heal quickly?

Eddie’s brain went back and started looking and dissecting what could have happened, and when. Eddie realized that about a month and a half ago, Buck had missed a 48-hour shift. At the time the team had been worried, but they didn’t think too much of it because Bobby had told them everything was okay.

What Bobby hadn’t mentioned, was that Buck was a no show and he didn’t call off. Bobby had known something was up, but it was his job as captain to not let his team know. If the team’s mind wasn’t on their job then people could get hurt, or worse, and they couldn’t have that.

So, he asked Athena to look into it for him.

~Flash back in time, Athena’s POV~

Athena got the call from Bobby and could hear the worry in her husband’s voice. Buck was a no show? That was odd. Buck would always call off if he needed time off, which he took like once a year. If that.

Athena made her way to Buck’s apartment, and saw the door had been kicked in. Immediately, she called for backup but didn’t wait to go in. She pulled out her gun, and slowly pushed the door open. When she walked in, she searched the entire apartment, but there was no one there.

There had been an obvious struggle, Buck’s dining room table was broken, chairs were scattered. And the most concerning thing; there was a copious amount of blood, everywhere.

The crime scene investigation team got there and started to process the scene. Immediately Buck was declared a missing person, but no one was informed. They couldn’t inform anyone legally without knowing exactly who Buck’s emergency contact was, and they didn’t know.

Luckily, or unluckily, Buck’s phone wasn’t there. That meant that there was a chance Buck had it and that they could track it.

Athena immediately obtained a warrant to track’s Buck cell. She didn’t even want to know what could have been happening to her adopted son.

They got the blood work back from the lab, and it was Buck’s blood they had found. That made Athena’s heart sink, and she hated she wasn’t able to tell Bobby. Luckily, Bobby and the team were working so it was easier to hide everything.

They got a hit on Buck’s cell phone and got the plans for the building. It was a small three-bedroom house, three floors. Well, two floors and the basement. They called in the Los Angles swat team, and they raided the building.

They found Buck alone in the building, his hands were still chained above his head. Buck was conscious but completely out of it. It had taken them fifteen hours to find him, but they didn’t know how long Buck had actually been gone for.

He had been found completely naked, and Buck’s entire body was red. His skin was enflamed by all the pressure he had from hanging by his wrists. He had dark red black and blue marks over his abs, and lower back. The bruising got darker around his neck. He had about five whip marks, three of them breaking through skin and had bled out a little, the blood now dried on his back. He had slap marks scattered all over his body.

Buck groaned as someone’s arms wrapped around his torso, as his hands were set free and he fell limp. He would have fallen completely down, except the arms caught him. Two men got him onto a stretcher, and they covered him before Athena came in.

Athena took Buck’s hand in hers, and he slowly looked up at her. His vision was foggy, but he could sense it was her through her touch. This was confirmed when Athena said, “I’m here B,.l;uckaroo. Don’t you worry. You’re safe now.” She said gently. “do you want me to call anyone? Maddie? Eddie?” she asked, and Buck mustered up all the energy in him to shake his head no.

He didn’t want anyone seeing him like this.

They got him to the hospital, and Athena didn’t leave his side. A nurse came in after Buck had been there for about an hour, “Mr. Buckley, based on the state the officers found you in, I need to ask, would you like use to run a rape kit?” she asked gently. She was sitting to Buck’s left side and Athena was on his right.

“Buck, you’re safe. And this decision is entirely your own.” Athena said gently, “if you were raped,” she hesitated, but continued, “then we can get the kit and store it. And you can have it sent to the police department later. But you don’t have to.” She said gently.

Athena was furious at who ever had taken Buck, and she wanted justice. No. for once in her life, Athena wanted revenge. However, this was Bucks decision and not hers.

Buck looked from Athena to the nurse and nodded gently, “Mr. Buckley, I need to explain how this works. But before I can do that, I need your verbal consent.” The nurse said gently.

Buck took in a shaky breath, “Yes, you can do the rape kit.” He said gently. His voice was rough, and shaky and hoarse.

Athena gave Buck’s hand a gentle squeeze of comfort. She was proud of him, and very thankful they found him when they did.

“Mr. Buckley, my name is Allison. I want you to be comfortable while we do this. I want you to know that every step is optional. Before we move on from a previous step I will ask if you want to continue, and you can say yes or no. Do you wish to continue?”

“Yes.”

“The first step is you telling me in as much detail as you can remember, what happened to you. This will determine which steps will be more important in the exam to complete, and what will be useful if you choose to move forward with pressing charges.” Allison spoke gently, and soft. She did everything to avoid triggering Buck, however this exam would be very rough on him.

Buck explained the first thing he remembered which had been the snake-eyed man, and a blow to the head. He explained how when he woke up again, there had been someone behind him, but he couldn’t see who. He knew it wasn’t the snake eyed guy because he had been in the corner watching them. But the man behind him was using Buck’s body for his own gain.

Buck told her he hadn’t been sure when the third guy had come into the equation, but he told her everything that all three had done, and Athena had jotted down a few notes.

After they completed the physical exam, Buck told them that it was okay for them to give it to the police. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena comforts Eddie, and checks on Buck's physical wounds.

Two days later Buck had been out of the hospital. Athena had been sworn to secrecy. The team, including Bobby, and Maddie were told Buck had gone back to Pennsylvania to see his parents. Maddie knew better. But no one seemed to think he was hurt, so she didn’t question it.

Buck his under that excuse for about two weeks. Then he went back to work, and the incident with the teenage girl and Eddie happened his first day back. That’s when he decided he wasn’t ready to be back and took a leave of absence from the station. A week later, he moved in with Eddie. Eddie had refused to take no for an answer because he was so worried.

Eddie hadn’t seen the marks on Buck out of pure luck. Buck had purposely hidden them at first, but the whip marks on his back were still red and inflamed.

Athena had been checking on Buck primarily through text messages. She was worried about him and had managed to hide it from Bobby. She absolutely hated that. Bobby was essentially Buck’s parental figure. Athena loved Buck like a son and hiding from Bobby killed her a little.

She heard from Detective Parker Buck and Eddie had been in the station, and she dropped by the house when she got off.

She rang the doorbell, interrupting Eddie comforting Buck from his nightmare. “I’ll be right back baby...” Eddie said softly and got up going to look at who was there. When he saw it was Athena, he opened up. She offered him a soft smile, “Where’s our guy?” she asked gently.

Eddie gave her a small smile, “he’s not really in the mood for visitors…” he said softly.

Athena’s expression dropped and her eyes leveled. She gave Eddie the ‘don’t mess with me’ face, “Move.”

Eddie stood his ground; he was about to argue when Athena pushed him out of her way. Stunned, he stumbled backwards and sighed, closing the door.

Athena walked through the house with Eddie calling after her to stop but she didn’t listen. She went into the bedroom and saw Buck curled up in a tiny ball, “hey Buckaroo.” She said softly. Buck got up, and pulled her into a hug, holding onto her gently.

Eddie hadn’t known that Athena knew, and if he had he wouldn’t have tried to stop her. Athena didn’t mind, but she knew Eddie was mostly in the dark. “Buck, have you been eating?” she asked holding Buck away from her. He shook his head and she sighed. “come on, let’s get you some food,” she said and pulled Buck out of the bedroom, and pushed Eddie out with her other hand.

Eddie walked in front and led the three to the kitchen. “Athena, I can handle this and him.” He argued gently once Buck was on the couch and out of earshot.

“Eddie, I know what happened. I know everything. I was there when they found him. Hell, I found him. I was there when they did the rape kit and he said everything to the nurse. Eddie, I was the only one that boy would allow to see him. Now I’ve been keeping his secret which I will continue to do until he is ready for people to find out. But Edmundo Diaz, you will not be keeping me from him. He is essentially my son, and he is hurt, and if you do there will be hell to pay.” Athena went on her mini rant, glaring at Eddie. It worked, he immediately backed off.

Athena looked around, “let’s order some food tonight, okay?” she asked Eddie. Eddie nodded, and Athena pulled him into a hug. “you’re doing a great job, Eddie”.

Eddie teared up a little when he said that. “no, I’m not...” he murmured. “he’s hurt. And there’s nothing I can do. And he keeps cutting and…. I feel so helpless.” He said softly, looking down.

Athena sighed quietly. Buck was cutting? What? How had she missed so much? She pulled Eddie back in for another hug, and he started to cry. She helped him calm down, and when he did, she looked at him right in the eyes, “Eddie, you’re here. And that’s all he needs. Anything else, he’ll ask for. Go easy on yourself.” She said gently and Eddie nodded.

She caught sight of Buck, who was in the doorway behind Eddie.

“you’re cutting?” she inquired, “let me see.” She said. This was not a question. “I want to see your back, too.” She wanted to check how the lacerations were healing. This took Eddie by surprise, “what’s on his back?” he asked. Athena looked from him to Buck, and Buck groaned softly. He pulled off his shirt and turned around.

There were two flaming red lines stretching from his right shoulder to left hip, and left shoulder to right hip. The center, where the lines met, was the deepest of the wounds. The other one that had broken open had been on his lower back, running straight from his left to right side, and two others in the middle of his back that were starting to heal fairly nicely.

Eddie’s eyes widened, amazed he hadn’t seen these before. His expression fractured, and he took a half step back. His mind was starting to spiral out of control. How did he know so little? He was failing Buck. Failing.

Athena stepped closer to Buck, “do they still hurt?” she asked gently, and Buck nodded, staring down at the ground. “Buck, turn around for me?” Athena asked gently. Buck turned around, not looking up at either her or Eddie. He couldn’t handle the look that was probably on Eddie’s face.

Athena gently checked Buck’s wrists and lifted his head but only to look at her. “please stop this,” she murmured soft. “something bad happened. But you will heal. There are other ways to cope than taking whatever you’re using to your skin.” She said and gently kissed his cheek. “come on, let’s sit down and talk while we wait for the food.”

Athena, Buck, and Eddie went out and sat down.

“Buck, when are you going to be ready to tell the team? Or Maddie?” she asked gently.

Buck knew he was going to have to at some point, but he wasn’t ready. He didn’t think he would ever be ready. “C-can you tell them…?” he asked softly looking up to Athena.

She nodded softly; she had had a hunch that would be how it was going to work.

There was a gentle knock on the door, it was their food. Athena got up and paid the man and then came back in. “Let’s eat.” She said with a smile, resting her hand comfortingly on Buck’s shoulder. He looked up at her and gently rested his head on her arm.

She had ordered a little bit of everything, and the three of them ate while watching The Bachelor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited for the next chapter, and that's all I'm gonna say. this one is kinda a filler, so I'm sorry if it's a little dull.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena tells Bobby what happened to Buck and Bobby goes over to the Diaz-Buckley house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little bit of support, little bit of fluff, little bit a sad. 
> 
> aka a decent mix of emotions.

Athena got home around nine that night, and found Bobby sitting at the kitchen island waiting for her. “hey baby,” she said with a smile and kissed his cheek softly. Bobby had known something was up, and that she was hiding something. He knew better than to think she was cheating on him, but he couldn’t figure out what it was.

“I need to tell you something,” she started gently and leaned back against the counter in the kitchen opposite her husband. “So, you remember when Buck missed that shift and you asked me to look into it?” she asked gently.

Bobby nodded, a confused expression appearing over his face, “Athena, that was a month and a half ago. Why are you bringing this up?” he asked.

Athena sighs. “Buck wasn’t in Pennsylvania.” Bobby gives her an even more confused look.

“Bobby, he was taken out of his apartment, to a house. He was raped by these three gang lord brothers,” she explained, there was no easy way to sugar coat what had happened. She had gotten some new information today, in terms of the men who had taken him.

Bobby was as pale as a ghost, and guilt stricken. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked gently, not keeping eye contact with her.

Athena sighed, “Buck didn’t want anyone to know and I can’t break confidentiality, or I’ll lose my job. Bobby, I wanted to. Please believe me.” She pleaded gently.

Bobby nodded, “I do.” He said firmly, but he still got up and grabbed his keys and wallet and walked out the door.

Athena sighed, and didn’t try to stop him. She heard his truck turn on, and texted Eddie that Bobby knew and would probably end up over there soon.

That’s exactly what happened.

Bobby parked his truck, and before he could knock on Eddie’s front door, it had opened. Buck was standing there, and Bobby looked at the younger man.

They stood in silence for a moment.

Neither fully knew what to say. Bobby had so much he wanted to say. So much he needed to say.

Buck was low key terrified that Bobby would judge him because of this. But that just wasn’t who Bobby was and Buck knew that.

Bobby was the first to speak, “c-can I hug you?” he asked carefully, and Buck nodded.

Bobby pulled him in and held the man close. Buck held onto Bobby, resting his head gently on the older man’s shoulder.

Bobby loved Buck like a son. And for Buck to not want the support, to feel like he couldn’t talk about what had happened had really upset him. Bobby held onto Buck, honestly never wanting to let go. It seemed like every time he let the boy go, something else happened.

Buck held onto Bobby. He loved Bobby, with every part of his being. He was physically doing better, though his eyes told everyone who looked at him that he was far from okay.

They stood like that for honestly about ten minutes, and even then, neither wanted to let go, but Buck pulled back slowly. “Athena told you?” he asked gently, not making eye contact.

Bobby nodded, “Yes, and Buck.” He said gently lifting his chin, “What happened to you doesn’t make you any less of a man. We all still love you.” He said gently and Buck nodded softly.

“thank you.. d-do you want to come in?” he asked and looked up to Bobby. Bobby offered him a smile, walking in and giving a slight nod to Eddie.

“Hey cap,” Eddie said with a smile and gave him a quick hug. “Do you want anything to drink? I think we have….. water.. I need to go to the store.” He said with a faint chuckle.

Bobby nodded, “water would be great, thank you.” He said and Eddie vanished to the kitchen while Buck and Bobby sat down.

Eddie came back with the drinks and handed a glass to Bobby and Buck. Bobby thanked him, and Buck tensed slightly. Eddie and Bobby both took note, “do you wanna talk about it? Or anything?” Bobby asked gently.

Buck pondered it for a moment and took a sip of water. He gave Eddie a small smile as a thank you, which made Eddie smile bigger because Buck hasn’t smiled at all lately.

“I’ve been going to see Frank,” he said softly. “i-I wanna get back to work. But Frank said I should wait until my back fully heals,” he said softly. “Frank thinks getting back to work will help me heal. And I think he’s right. But I need to heal a little more mentally before I can do that.” He said softly. He needed to get more than 20 minutes of sleep at a time. He needed to get back to being decently okay.

Bobby nodded, and Eddie’s smile dimmed slightly. “take all the time you need Buck. We’ll be here waiting to welcome you back when you’re ready. Do you want me to tell Hen and Chim? What about Maddie?” he asked gently.

Again, Buck took a sip of water to allow himself more time to think. All he could do was nod slightly, followed by a yawn.

“I’ll talk with them tomorrow, but for now, you get some sleep, alright?” he asked gently and stood up. He rested his hand on Buck’s shoulder gently and he nodded. He gave Eddie a hug and walked out.

“are you ready to try to sleep again?” Eddie asked gently, sitting next to Buck. Buck shook his head and leaned into Eddies shoulder gently. “no.. but I don’t think I’m ever ready to sleep.” He admitted softly as Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck.

“Can I ask you one thing?” he asked quietly. “you don’t have to answer of course.” He added, and Buck nodded. Cautiously, and hesitantly, Eddie asked, “why didn’t you tell me? About your back?”

Buck pulled out of the hug and got up. He pulled Eddie back into the bedroom. He kissed him gently. “I didn’t know how.” He said turning away from him. “I didn’t know how to tell you any of it. I still don’t. I don’t know how much to tell, and how much is too much.” He said softly. By the end of that, he had turned to face Eddie but was standing a few feet away from him.

“Buck, you can tell me however much you feel comfortable telling me. I highly doubt you are going to tell me anything my mind hasn’t already gone to.” Eddie said gently, but firmly. “I am a safe space. I am here, for all of it. As much or as little as you want to tell.” Eddie closed the door to their bedroom and sat on the foot of the bed. Buck leaned on the wall in front of him, and looked into Eddies big brown eyes.

“I’m ready to talk, if you’re ready to listen.” Buck said softly, and Eddie nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed! drop some feedback below! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly graphic? But other chapters prior have been more graphic. so pay attention to the tags, but if you've made it this far you should be okay.

Buck was ready to talk.

He was finally, mostly ready to talk.

Right?

He was leaned up against the back of the wall, and It was really the only thing supporting him.

“Okay.” He said pretty much just talking himself up to do this. He started this; he would finish it.

“Short version, three guys broke into my apartment, beat me up, threatened me with a gun, and I woke up in a house with my hands chained above my wrist and the more I would fight, they would raise me off the ground. They raped me, and whipped me, and hit and one kicked my ribs really hard.” He said softly, looking down at the ground and shuddered at the thought of it. “The worst part is definitely feeling their touch. Like. Randomly I’m just right back there with their hands on my body and it makes no sense.” He mumbled.

“Do you want the long version?” he followed up with gently

Eddie studied Buck’s expression and listened as he talks. He needed to scream, and he wanted to do so much damage to those men. Every fiber of his being ached for Buck, for the pain he had endured. “Only if you want to tell me the long version,” he said genuinely.

Buck appreciated the choice, “Not tonight?” he asked gently. Eddie nodded, “of course,” he said gently. Buck walked over to him, and straddled himself over Eddie’s lap, facing him. Buck wrapped his arms around Eddie’s neck, and kissed him softly.

Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck’s waist and made sure he didn’t fall backwards. He kissed Buck back, what had started as a soft little innocent kiss had progressed, and before Eddie realized what was happening Buck was pulling off Eddie’s shirt.

Not that he minded, at all.

But he broke the kiss. “Buck,” he said softly, his eyes searching for any expression in Buck. Buck immediately started to pout, and got off of Eddie. He avoided all eye contact with Eddie, until Eddie pulled Buck’s chin to look at him, “Evan.” He said softly.

Buck pulled away and got up starting to go to the bathroom. “Buck, just tell me what’s going through your mind.” Eddie pleaded, and Buck turned around with tears running down his cheeks.

“I just. I wanted, for one second to distract myself from the hell I’m living. And it felt good. And you have been absolutely amazing, and you’ve asked for nothing in return. And. You’re safe. There’s literally nothing about you that triggers anything which I am so beyond thankful for. And yeah, I know these are all of the wrong reasons. I just. I wanted to forget. For an hour. I wanted to forget. But I can’t forget. But I did, for a little.” He said softly, this time though his eyes didn’t break contact with Eddie. He turned and went back into the bathroom after he said his piece, and closed the door.

He didn’t lock it though, for once.

Eddie groaned and fell back onto the bed. In this particular situation, he couldn’t win. If he decided to go and get Buck, and pull him into the bedroom and remind him what sex with some one who loved him was like, then he would feel wrong. But not doing that felt equally wrong, especially because Buck wanted to. Even though he had all the “wrong” reasons, he wanted to. And who was he to take that decision away from Buck? Who was he to decide Buck wasn’t ready??

If Buck said he was ready then he needed to trust him.

He had been with people who had used sex as a coping mechanism before. It wouldn’t be too out of character for him, after all the Buck 1.0 he had heard of was legendary. Maybe sex would be the best coping mechanism Buck had in his toolbox right now. It was better than cutting, or drinking, or getting his hands-on pain killers. Maybe if Buck needed Eddie to let him help with coping then maybe he should. If it was Buck wanted and he wasn’t complaining, was there really anything wrong with it?

After all, he had said he would do whatever Buck needed from him, and Athena said that if he needed anything else, he would ask. But is that what she had meant?

He just wanted to make sure that when they, both of them, decided to have sex again it wasn’t very spontaneous.

Eddie got up and knocked on the bathroom door gently, when Buck didn’t say anything, he went inside. He found Buck leaned up against the wall with his legs pulled to his chest. His cheeks were flushed a soft pink and covered in tears. However, Buck was sound asleep.

Eddie chuckled softly to himself, and slowly picked Buck up. He carried him to the bed and laid him down gently. Eddie turned off the light and went and got into the shower. He kept an ear out for Buck but took his time.

Buck being asleep didn’t last long. Eddie came out with a towel wrapped around his waist, and found Buck sitting up with the light on. Eddie sighed softly; he hated that Buck hadn’t been sleeping much. Especially because they both needed sleep. Eddie hadn’t been in the shower for more than ten minutes.

“Seriously. You tell me no, then you come out here in a towel?” Buck teased gently, and Eddie gave him a playful glare. He rolled his eyes, then his eyes landed back on Buck. The balance of right and wrong seemed to be tipping either way with every given second. Finally, his sighed, admitting his defeat, and jumped onto the bed almost tackling Buck, eliciting a laugh out of them both.

Buck rolled them over, so he was once again straddling Eddie, and kissed the man deeply. Eddie pulled him down more by the back of his neck, kissing him back. Buck smiles against Eddie’s lips, and Eddie looks up at Buck. “What’s in your mind?” Eddie asked softly. Buck just shook his head and leaned back, pulling off his own shirt. “Nothin,” he said happily, and Eddie tossled them over so he was on top of Buck, gently pinning his wrists. “Evan, If you’re lying to me,” he warned gently.

Buck shook his head with a laugh. An actual, genuine laugh. That sent shivers down Eddie’s spine. For the first time in a while, Buck was truly thinking about nothing except Eddie. And he was loving every moment of it. They both were.

~

Eddie laid his head on Buck’s chest, this time he was the one listening to Buck’s heart instead of the other day around. Buck was playing with Eddie’s hair gently. They were both exhausted, and they were both completely enjoying being wrapped up in each other’s arms. Nothing about this moment felt wrong to Eddie.

“Eds?” Buck asked gently.

Eddie rolled onto his stomach, gently laying his upper torso on Buck’s chest. “What’s up?” he asked with a small smile.

“Can you sleep if we have the light on?” he asked gently. Eddie nodded, “Of course Buckaroo.” He said placing a gentle kiss on Buck’s lips. “You spoil me,” Buck said softly against Eddie’s lips and smiled.

Eddie nodded gently, laying his head back down of Buck’s chest and they both fell asleep perfectly content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! wow, if you're still here after this many chapters, thank you. Imma add a little note, that you definitely don't need to read. 
> 
> But anyways, Buck in season one was a self-diagnosed "Sex-addict". whether this is actually true, or Buck was just trying to save his job, well, I'm too tired to know. But, I wanted to try to capture how quickly moods can switch after someone endures a trauma. Somethings are triggering, where others aren't. And I've highlighted a few different coping mechanisms so far, (Cutting, sex, and food restricting though it's been subtle). I want to try to pull in as many as I can that would match Buck in this particular scenario. 
> 
> Thank you all for the feedback, and encouragement! it really means a lot & boosts my mood which is always a happy bonus. 
> 
> also, will some one please tell me if they want to see the long version?? like, I can't decide. and. input would be good, thanks!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie kinda looses her cool.

For the first time since Buck moved in, they both slept through the night. They slept like rocks until there was a pounding on the door; sending Buck jumping out of his skin. Eddie groaned and got up pulling on sweatpants as he went to the door. 

Eddie opened the door to see Maddie, and Chim standing not too far behind her. Without asking she pushed past him, walking through the house hunting her brother, “Evan!” she yelled. 

Buck groaned and pulled on a pair of pants, not thinking to put a shirt on to hide his back. “Mads?” he asked gently, walking through the doorway and met her in the hall. “what time is it?” he asked with a yawn. Maddie froze in her spot, checking Buck over, 

“Evan Buckley. You were pulled from your apartment, in a world of pain, and you went through recovery alone and didn’t think to call me?!” she hissed, “to answer your phone because I never believed for a second you went back to Pennsylvania?!” she was yelling, but no one in the house had expected anything else from her. “you ignored every. Single. One. Of. My. calls.” She put emphasis on each of the last words. 

Maddie’s eyes were big, and sad and confused and scared and all of these emotions. Buck pulled her in for a hug and held her close to his chest, and she held onto him tightly. Her hand grazed one of the wounds and she immediately recognized the scar tissue under her fingers, and it was confirmed when Buck grimaced slightly. 

Maddie pulled him to arm’s length away from her, goodness, everyone loved holding Evan Buckley at arm’s length. But she turned him around and he let her. Her breath caught in her throat and she gasped. “EDMUNDO DIAZ” she yelled at the top of her lungs. Buck sighed softly, and followed his sister, “How long have you known about this?!” she asked backing Eddie into a corner. 

Chimney walked over to her and wrapped his arm around her waist having an instant calming effect. “Maddie,” he whispered softly trying to calm down. She knew she needed to calm down, but her baby brother was so hurt. How was she the last person to find out? 

“Maddie, chill” Buck was the one to speak up this time. “He didn’t find anything out until yesterday because I had to go to the station. And Bobby found out yesterday from Athena. I was the one who told her she couldn’t tell anyone. I put her, and all of us in this damn situation. So, don’t yell at Eddie because he’s been a fucking saint through all of this. Now you woke us up, from the first time either of us have actually slept in weeks. Either calm down or get the hell out.” Buck said firmly, his eyes leveled on Maddie’s. Buck turned around and went into the kitchen and started to make some coffee. 

Chim’s arm tightened around Maddie’s waist grounding her to him. It was calming her down, and she was almost completely calm. “I’m sorry, Eddie.” She said gently, realizing how much she had just fucked up. Eddie nodded. He knew better than to take anything seriously right now. Well. Anyone’s reactions. His concern was Buck, and only Buck. 

Eddie walked past Maddie and Chim and into the kitchen where Buck was. Eddie gently pulled the shaking Buck into his arms, giving him a soft squeeze. Buck rested his head on Eddie’s shoulder, then pulled away a moment later. “Thank you for being amazing, Eddie. I can’t imagine what this must be like for you..” Buck said quietly, “i-if I’m bothering you, I can go back to my apartment, t-the lease isn’t up yet…” he trailed off quietly. 

Eddie was completely surprised, he looked up at Buck and rested his hand on Buck’s cheek. “I don’t want you to move out, not ever. I don’t want to let you out of my sight. I love you, and I will always be here, and that will never change.” Eddie said firmly, he looked into Buck’s eyes and watch the fear drain from them and be replaced with a small spark of joy. Eddie’s own were full of love and understanding. 

The coffee finished brewing, and Buck poured it into four mugs. His arm was still shaking a little, he was scared he had upset Maddie. Eddie took out two of the mugs handing each to Maddie and Chim. Buck came out with his mug, and Eddie’s and handed it to the man. 

The four of them sat down in the living room. Eddie sat on the end of the couch, and Buck sat next to him but had his legs going across Eddie’s lap. He was on edge and needed something to ground him and Eddie was perfect for that. Maddie and Chim sat down on one of the chairs across from Eddie and Buck. 

“Buck, I’m sorry.” Maddie said gently after an awkward silence fell over them. Buck nodded softly, but he wasn’t really sure what to say. Chim normally would have cracked a joke or something, but he’s never been this close to someone who has gone through what Buck had been through. 

Eddie surveyed the room, and he and Chim exchanged an awkward, ‘what do we do here’ glance and they both looked down. 

Everyone took a sip of their coffee seemingly all at once. 

Buck whimpered faintly, only loud enough for Eddie to hear and Eddie gently squeezed Buck’s leg where his hand had been resting. It was a soft squeeze to let him know the he was there. Eddie didn’t want to be the bad guy, but Buck was his priority and not Maddie. He lifted Buck’s legs gently, “I’m sorry guys, but it’s getting kind of late and we said we would get Chris from school and we still have to get ready and go to the store.” Eddie said gently, giving them their cue to leave. 

Maddie and Chim both stood up, and Buck shakily did as well. He hugged both Maddie and Chim who whispered a soft, “I’m here if you need me” and the couple vanished out the door. 

When the door closed behind them Buck plopped back down into the couch and closed his eyes. “that went well,” Buck said sarcastically as Eddie came in and sat on the coffee table. “totally,” Eddie added with a soft laugh, and watched Buck. 

Buck sat back up, and kissed Eddie gently. “do I have to go to the store with you?” he whined playfully, and Eddie turned serious. “Buck, can I trust you to be alone?” he asked gently. Buck looked at him in the eyes and studied the fear that lined them. 

Buck immediately nodded, “Of course, I’m not going anywhere,” he said easily. When he saw that hadn’t done much to reassure Eddie and that he was still skeptical and scared, Buck pulled him into a hug. “I’m here, don’t worry.” He whispered gently while rubbing Eddie’s back. 

Eddie held onto Buck softly and nodded. He got up and walked away leaving Buck on the couch alone with his thoughts. 

Eddie got into the shower and got dressed before coming back out. He smiled gently when he saw Buck was asleep, cuddling a pillow. Eddie kissed Buck’s head gently and ruffled his hair, “sweet dreams, mi amour.” He said gently and walked out of the house.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie, Chris, and Buck bond over dinner.

Eddie walked through the front door with an arm full of groceries, and Christopher trailing behind him. Chris had been spending his time with his abuela, with Buck normally waking up every thirty minutes they didn’t want to risk Buck waking Chris.

Eddie poked his head in the living room and smiled when he saw Buck still sound asleep in the same position, he had left him in. Eddie went over to Chris and told him they needed to be quiet and let Buck sleep. Chris nodded, and the pair made their way into the kitchen.

Eddie got a pot of water on to start boiling and he set Chris up at the dining room table to start his homework which he did happily.

Buck woke up about fifteen minutes after they got back, and rubbed his eyes sitting up with a yawn. He heard Eddie putsing around in the kitchen and went out, “Hey buddy!” he said happily when he saw Chris sitting at the table. He walked over and kissed the boy’s head, “Hi Bucky!!” he said and gave Buck a gentle hug. Buck smiled and ruffled his hair then went into the kitchen.

Buck pulled Eddie in for a hug and kissed his cheek gently. “I love you,” he said softly.

Eddie smiled and held Buck close, sort of questioning the hug but didn’t ask about it. “I love you too, is everything okay?” Eddie asked gently and Buck gave him a small nod.

Buck took over cooking the pasta for dinner because Eddie was a horrible cook, and Bobby had taught Buck pasta already.

When dinner was done the three of them sat down to eat together.

Chris told them all about how school had gone for the last few days. He went on and on about his teacher, and the other kids and how they were learning the states. He even went so far as to list off the ones that he already knew, which was only about five but still.

Eddie and Buck both listened and followed along with him. Once dinner was over, Eddie but everything away and Buck and Chris watched a little TV. After Eddie finished putting everything away, he went into the living room, “bed time super man,” he said softly ruffling the young boy’s hair.

Chris looked up and smiled, “Okay, night Bucky!” he said with a smile and gave Buck a hug. Buck gave him a hug and Eddie and Chris went to go do Chris’ bedtime routine.

Once Chris was in bed with superman pj’s, clean bright white teeth, and two chapters of Harry Potter later, Eddie came back out. Buck leaned over and kissed him gently. Buck got up and pulled Eddie back into the bedroom. “I love you,” he whispered against Eddie’s lips.

Eddie smiled and pulled Buck to his chest. “how tired are you?” Eddie asked softly. Buck was extremely tired, but shrugged softly, following a laugh from Eddie. “Cuddles?” Buck asked softly. Eddie nodded and pulled down the blankets on the bed, pulling off his shirt. Buck did the same and laid down, Eddie pulling him into his arms.

Eddie traced circles on Buck’s shoulder and down his arm. Buck nuzzled close, contently listening to Eddie’s heart rate. Eddie held Buck close and they both happily fell asleep.

The next morning, Eddie got up and took Chris to school leaving Buck along in the house.

Buck was still asleep, when he heard a pounding on the door. He wasn’t expecting anyone so he groaned and got up. He called Eddie, and talked with him while he walked to the door. Buck opened the door, and froze. The phone fell out of his hand landing by his feet.

Eddie was about two minutes from the house. When he heard the phone drop, and nothing else he started to panic, “Evan!” he yelled into his speaker, “Buck!? Are you there!?” he yelled, then he heard something he would never forget.

Eddie heard the pull of a trigger followed by a loud pop and a boom, then a thud. He knew something had happened, and someone was shot.

And they didn’t keep guns in the house.

So Buck wasn’t the one doing the shooting.

Eddie hung up and called 9-1-1.

“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?” Maddie’s voice came over the line.

Eddie groaned. It had to be Maddie.

“Maddie, it’s Eddie. I left Buck to take Chris to school and he called me. The phone went dead and I heard a gunshot. You need to dispatch everyone to the house now.”

Maddie immediately dispatched every unit she had available. Eddie pulled up to the house and got out of his truck. He ran through the open front door and froze at the sight in front of him. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck wakes up to find a familiar yet unknown man standing behind Eddie. 
> 
> Athena and Detective Parker work to find Buck and Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please pay attention to the tags! This chapter is very graphic, and can be skipped. It will not mess up the flow for future chapters.

Buck groaned and lifted his head. His arms were sore, and he looked around the room. His eyes landed on Eddie who was across from him. His eyes checked Eddie over, he was unconscious, but he looked physically unharmed. Eddie was in the same position that Buck had known all too well. His hands were chained up above his head, and feet were resting firmly on the ground. 

Buck continued to search the room, spinning one of his wrists and realizing he was not in chains, but rope and his feet weren’t tied at all. Buck’s eyes landed on a man he hadn’t seen before but looked all too familiar. 

Buck started to cough and spit out some blood that had arose with his cough. The bullet must have hit something in his lung, and he was amazed he was still conscious right now, “What do you want from us.” He growled at the older man standing now behind Eddie. 

The man lost his attention in Eddie and walked over to Buck placing his hand firmly on Buck’s lower jaw. “You got my boys locked up.” He explained, “you took them from me, now I’m going to take the thing you love most in this world.” He let go of Buck’s face, causing Buck to groan in pain. 

Little did the man know, he had every cop in LA looking for them, and three accomplices already in their custody. 

~

Eddie walked in the door and found Buck laying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. He felt a sharp pain on his head, and blackness engulfed him. 

The three were gone before police got there, both of their phones on the ground and crushed. 

Athena and Detective Parker had been the first two on the scene. They started their investigation as the forensics team rolled in. As more officers showed up, Detective Parker gathered them for a debriefing. 

“Alright, here’s what we know so far. Approximately 43 days ago Firefighter Evan Buckley was raped by three gang men. We have reason to believe that the person who took both firefighters Buckley and Diaz, is their father. So, I need a team back at the precinct to interrogate them. They get a deal if they give us anything to bring them back. They couldn’t have gotten far because we shut down all in and out points to and from this neighborhood. So, we canvas. We go door to door. If they don’t open, we go in. Don’t be heroes, don’t be stupid, and don’t get killed. These are our brothers just as much as we are family. Let’s get them home safe.” 

Detective Parker finished the debriefing and the officers spread out. They all had a copy of the warrant and started going door to door. 

Athena caught up with Detective Parker, “It came back the blood on the floor was Buck’s, do you really think it’s the father?” she asked genuinely. 

Detective Parker nodded, “this guy has a long rap sheet, and has basically vanished for the last few years up until we arrested his sons. We pretty much took down their organization in one easy shot, and he probably wants revenge.” 

Athena nodded, “l do not like this.” She said soft and Detective Parker agreed, “I don’t either.” He said softly and the pair made their way to the station. 

Detective Parker interviewed Billy, while Athena interrogated James. 

Athena pushed the door open with it slamming against the wall behind her. “I want my lawyer.” James sounded kind of irritated, but Athena didn’t care. 

“I have two missing men. Now, we can wait for your lawyer to get here or you can tell me what you know and if we find them thanks to your tip, you’ll get a deal.” Athena didn’t specify what deal, and right now there was no deal, but James didn’t know that. 

James knew the world of hurt he could get in. He was facing the death penalty because once his DNA was in the system it hit on a few other crimes. He nodded. “Fine.” He said softly. 

James took a stifled breath. “You may find them at this address,” he said and gave the address to Athena who walked out. 

~

The older man walked over to Eddie, and slapped his cheek making him wake up with a groan. Unlike Buck, he was immediately awake, and his eyes focused on Buck. Then back to the man. Eddie’s eyes leveled, glaring at the man. “There’s nothing that you can do to me that I haven’t already been through.” He said firmly. He was right, it wasn’t just a scare tactic. 

About a year into his career as a combat medic he had been taken by a group of not so kind people. Plus, he had training for how to block things out so he had walked away from that experience unscathed and would walk away from this one unscathed too, Buck was the one who wouldn’t. 

Buck was terrified for Eddie, and immediately felt bad that he was in this situation because of him. He was trying to get his hands free from the rope before the guy decided he was bored and wanted to start with whatever he had in mind. 

The man laughed, “oh really?” he asked with a smirk. He had known about Eddie’s military background and knew about the tools he had probably learned. “So, what if, I actually torture your blond friend here instead of you? Would that be torture some enough?” 

Eddie’s heart sank, but his face didn’t show it, “You wouldn’t.” he said plainly, causing the guy to laugh. “Are you willing to bet on that?” he asked walking over to Buck. Buck whimpered as the guy got closer, and the guy looked right into Eddie’s eyes while putting a finger in the bullet wound on Buck’s chest. 

Eddie kept his face level, his eyes staring at the man. If he focused on the man, he wouldn’t see Buck’s reaction. He couldn’t take Buck’s reaction. But the sound.. the sound was enough to break Eddie alone. 

Buck squirmed under the man’s grasp letting out a blood curdling scream. It was a pain like he had never felt before.

That was probably a mistake. 

The man looked down at the blond man and pulled his finger out. Buck was having trouble catching his breath. The bullet had definitely punctured a lung, and he was struggling to remain conscious. The man pulled his head back, “Don’t you fall asleep princess. We aren’t done with you just yet.” He said with a smile, getting Buck’s own blood smeared all through his blond hair. 

Buck kept his eyes open, but he was barely there. He didn’t hear the exchange that was going on between Eddie and the guy. He didn’t register that he was being moved. He coughed some blood up again, and that sent shock waves of pain radiating through his body. He regained consciousness again and was a little more present, but his body was so exhausted. He felt the man’s hands on his body, a sudden chill and a lack of fabric then he couldn’t feel anything except weight and pain behind him. 

Eddie watched as the man moved Buck’s lifeless and limp body over to a dusty old mattress. He saw the blood Buck coughed up, and knew he needed medical attention ASAP. Every fiber of his being stopped working when the man stood behind Buck. Eddie relentlessly pulled at the chains to try to get to Buck to stop the guy, but they were harnessed into the ceiling which was made out of pure concrete. He had no choice but to watch, then the room went black. 

Eddie heard the familiar chatter of footsteps, and the banging of the basement door. The moron guy had gotten off Buck and tried to get away, but they shot him. They divided into two teams, one got Eddie down while the other tended to Buck. They had been found, but they weren’t safe. Not yet. Not until Buck was okay. 

Eddie ran over to Buck the moment he was free and started to cry as the paramedic checked him for a heart rate. Eddie watched the scene unfold in front of him as if it were in slow motion. They found a weak and thread heartrate on Buck, and his BP was low, dangerously low. They were about five minutes from the hospital, and they loaded Buck into the ambulance, Eddie going with them. 

Eddie held Bucks hand as the ambulance weaved through the familiar Los Angles traffic. “Buck, Buck baby stay with me. Please.” He pleaded with Buck, whispering soft ‘I love you’s’ and telling him he was safe now. 

Buck woke up slightly and was in a world of pain, but his eyes focused on Eddies, who gently gave him a kiss on the lips, “You’re safe baby..” Eddie whispered gently. “I love you,” he said softly as Buck’s eyes closed again, and his heart rate dropped down to a flat line.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is taken into the ER after being rescued by LAPD, Eddie is an emotional wreck as he and the team wait to find out if Buck will wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know how to summarize this chapter. This chapter is not graphic, but does mention a few things that occurred in the last chapter.

The paramedics immediately started CPR as they pulled into the hospital ambulance bay. They unloaded Buck, and the doctors took him immediately in, not allowing Eddie to go back.

Bobby was there waiting, and he stopped Eddie from following them back. Eddie tugged relentlessly, but Bobby was holding the young firefighter from behind with all his might. Eddie couldn’t lose another spouse. He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. No. this wasn’t happening. Not again. Chris couldn’t lose another parent. He and Buck had just figured out how right they were. No. no, no, no.

Eddie slowly fell to his knees, sobbing as Bobby held him and helped him down gently. Eddie’s chin fell onto Bobby’s arm and he cried. Bobby held him, rubbing his back gently. Neither of them said anything, but Bobby kept him wrapped and pressure evenly distributed.

Every doctor, nurse, patient and visitor were watching them. Watching as Eddie’s everything was being taken away from him. It broke everyone’s heart in the hospital.

Eddie’s body shook with every sob. It took a while, but he did manage to calm down, and slowly got up with Bobby’s help.

“Eddie…” Athena’s voice was soft and low behind them. Eddie turned around to look at her. Physically, Eddie was fine. Mentally, however…. That was a different story.

“Detective Parker needs to ask you some questions, are you feeling up for it?” she asked gently, and Eddie nodded.

Eddie and Detective Parker sat down and Eddie told him exactly what happened in all of the detail he could. Detective Parker informed Eddie that the man who had taken both of them had been shot and killed in the raid, so he was no longer a threat. Right as they finished up, a doctor came out.

“Mr. Diaz,” he said gently. Eddie stood up, so did the rest of the team who was all there. Maddie gently took Eddie’s hand, while Bobby moved closer but kept a small distance. Athena was standing not too far from Bobby. Athena was ready to catch Bobby, who was ready to catch Eddie and Chim was ready to catch Maddie.

The team knew how bad it had been, not mentioning Buck’s back which was still healing from the previous injuries.

“Mr. Buckley had several life-threatening injuries. His right lung almost completely collapsed, his heart stopped beating and his brain went a few minutes without oxygen. Not even mentioning the injuries he obtained through the sexual assault. Cases like this are tricky. We were able to get his heart to start again and repaired his lung. However, his brain did go a while without oxygen, and we won’t know if that will leave any lasting deficits on his brain. Usually in cases where the persons will to fight has been fractured, it makes recovery longer. He has to want to fight to come back, and some people don’t. You should prepare yourselves. However, he is stable, and I can take you back to see him now.”

The team nodded. That was honestly the best news that any of them could have hoped for. They all followed the doctor back to Buck’s room, a feeling they all knew all too well. Eddie sat on Buck’s right side and took his hand gently. He didn’t know how to feel about any of this. He had an appointment with Frank tomorrow, Bobby’s doing of course. Maybe he could figure out how he felt.

Maddie sat on Buck’s left side. It never got easier seeing her baby brother in the hospital. Chim rubbed her shoulders gently. None of them knew what to say.

“h-hey Buck..” Eddie said mumbled faintly between shaky breaths, “I just want you to know we’re all here. And you’re safe now.” He said gently, “I love you.”

Buck squeezed Eddie’s hands gently, his eyes tightening from the lights in the room, with a soft whimper. He opened them slowly, and saw everyone’s faces and he smiled gently. “What happened?” he asked a little confused and they all exchanged a look. Did Buck not remember?

“Buck, what’s the last thing you remember?” Bobby asked gently.

“D-dinner with Chris.” He said softly and watched all of their expressions relax a little. The fact that he didn’t remember might have been for the best. It definitely was.

Eddie squeezed his hand and reached up and kissed his lips gently, “I love you Evan.” He said easily.

Buck nodded to himself and fell back to sleep, holding onto both Eddie and Maddie’s hands tightly. 

The team was relieved. Buck wasn’t fully out of the clear, but he seemed to be okay. Everyone cleared out except Eddie, who was planning to stay the night.

Right as everyone was leaving, Buck whimpered softly and woke up with a small jump. Eddie squeezed his hand gently, “I’m here baby. You’re okay.” He whispered softly. Buck opened his eyes and focused on Eddie with a small nod.

“Do you honestly not remember anything?” Eddie inquired softly. Buck shook his head, “it’s easier for them to think I don’t...” he mumbled softly. Eddie sighed, he hadn’t bought it. But he had been hopeful. “How much do you remember? And you need to stop lying and withholding things to protect us, baby. We can handle it.” Buck’s expression dropped slightly, and Eddie instantly knew he remembered everything. “He was gonna hurt you…” he whispered softly.

Eddie shook his head sitting on the bed next to Buck. “But he didn’t,” he whispered. “I’m okay. We’re gonna be okay.” He said kissing Buck’s head gently. “You’re the brave one here.” He said softly and Buck shook his head. “Eds, how are you mentally?” he asked gently.

As much pain as Buck was in, he was worried about Eddie.

Eddie’s expression dropped, and sadness took over his brown eyes. All of a sudden he was back, hearing Buck scream and.. he shuddered at the thought of everything else that happened. “I’ll be okay,” he said gently, and Buck shook his head. “That’s not what I asked,” he reminded.

Eddie sighed. “I hated not being able to help you. I tried… I really, I tried Buck. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t get my hands down, and you were so hurt and then we were safe but you were still so hurt and…” he cut himself off as tears welled in his eyes, “Evan Buckley you looked at me then you died on me.. I watched your heart stop.” He said and finally broke down and started to cry again. “You died on me. You can’t.. you can’t do that…” Eddie sobbed.

Buck pulled Eddie down by his neck and held him as tight as he could. Eddie rested his head on Buck’s shoulder and held onto him tightly. He took in everything about Buck. He was still alive, he was still fighting. “Eddie I’m here. I promise, you’re okay, I’m okay. We will get through this.” Buck whispered softly.

Eddie calmed down after a few minutes, and Athena came in. Eddie sat up and Buck looked up at her. He gently extended his arm for a hug, which she happily gave him. “You gave us a right good scare there Buckaroo,” she said gently.

Buck looked at her, and searched her eyes, “Athena, why me? I had never met those guys before…” he inquired gently. He needed to know why.

Athena’s posture shifted uncomfortably, and she sighed. He was going to learn about this sooner or later.

“A few months ago, the 118 took a call to a weed farm. It was an arson case, that you solved with Bobby, but for some reason they targeted you. We think they stalked both of you, and realized you were essentially Bobby’s son so by hurting you it would hurt him, and well they were right. But they knew the routine, and where you would be and when and that’s how they were able to break in and get you the first time.” She watched Buck’s expression as she spoke.

He followed along, and nodded, “Thanks, Athena...” he said softly. This happened because he was doing a job he loved? Why was it the thing he loved doing kept almost killing him? Was it worth it? Was being a firefighter with the 118 honestly worth _this?_ No one mentions this in the job description. After all, they are constantly put in harm’s way but never this kind of harm. Every time he was hurt, it scared everyone around him. Did he honestly love that job that much?

“Buck, we got all of the guys in the gang. So, there’s no one left to target you. So, when we say you are safe, you actually are. I promise.” She said firmly, not wanting to leave any margin for Buck to argue.

He nodded, too lost in his mind to really care. He was thankful they had gone after him. Had they gone after Bobby they could’ve ended up with Athena, May and Harry. And that would’ve broken everyone.

He was also beyond grateful that Chris had been at school and not home. His mind wandered to all of the people who could have been hurt from this, and cringed. But at the end of the day, he was the only one who had been physically harmed and to that, he was thankful.

Both Eddie and Athena watched him as he processed everything running through his mind, “When can I go home?” he asked gently.

“Buck, you just had a major surgery...” Eddie said carefully, not wanting to upset Buck more, but he couldn’t go home for at least another three days.

Buck’s eyes welled with tears, “And I live with a fucking combat medic who has seen way worse than fucking stitches, and Carla is my best friend, and my sister is a former fucking ER nurse! And I was just raped on two separate occasions, and I need to be home to at least attempt to heal,” he argued, his voice starting to rise. Eddie and Athena knew he wasn’t mad at them. “Surely, if there’s an exception to be made, it’s here.” He followed up with.

Eddie went to stand up, but Athena shook her head, “I got this.” She said gently.

Buck’s expression dropped when he realized he was essentially yelling. “I-I’m..”

“Don’t.” Eddie said gently offering Buck a smile, “You have been through hell, and you’re right. Between Carla, me and Maddie, we’re qualified to take care of you. And you do deserve the exception, and I doubt Athena will be taking no for an answer. You have every right to yell, Buck. And I will listen every time you want to yell or scream or cry. Okay?” Eddie said gently, watching Buck.

Buck nodded softly, “The same goes for you.” He whispers.

Athena came back in a few minutes later, “I couldn’t get them to just spring you free. She said that if you can get yourself from the bed to the bathroom and back again by yourself then you can go home today,” she said gently. “You can do this Buckaroo.” She said with a small smile.

Buck nodded, and stubbornly got up, walked slowly and steadily to the bathroom, then turned himself around and walked past the bed and out to the nurses’ station, “Can I go home now?!” he yelled, beyond frustrated.

He didn’t even care that the room fell silent. A young red-headed nurse looked at Buck and smiled, “Mr. Buckley I’ll be in with your discharge paperwork in five minutes.” She said gently and he nodded.

It was now about six am and he could go home. That’s all he needed right now. Home, with Eddie, and cuddles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I made myself cry writing this chapter and the previous one so look forward to some happy moments because I need some fluff.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie comes with healing and begins to process how he is feeling with the help of Maddie and Frank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This chapter mentions the following: 
> 
> Mentions of rape, aftermath of trauma, coping with loss (coping with who you were in the past vs now. A different kind of loss, but still very valid)

Buck let out a yelp as he shook awake, tears immediately flooding his eyes and pouring over down his cheeks. He rolled over and burried his head into his pillow crying softly. 

Maddie nocked gently on the door, “Buck?” She asked gently before coming in. She opened the door and slowly walked over to him. “Can I sit down?” She asked gently. 

Buck nodded, tears continuing to stream down his cheeks. Maddie moves to sit behind him, and Buck rolls over resting his head on her legs. 

Maddie gently strokes his dirty blonde hair which still had trace amounts of blood in it, making her cringe softly. 

“Do you want to talk?”

Buck shook his head and she nodded. 

“Eddie went to his appointment with Frank. He didn’t want to wake you to tell you,” she murmured softly. 

Buck nodded gently, tears still falling silently over his cheeks.

Maddie continued to stroke his hair, and rested her hand on his right shoulder holding him close. 

“You’re going to be okay, Buck. You can survive this. I know you can,” she said gently, comfortingly. 

Buck shrugged. He didn’t want to argue, but it just seemed so hard right now. He continued to cry until he eventually fell asleep. 

-

Frank knew that Eddie and Buck had been taken again. He had been working with Buck prior to this and knew the extent of Buck’s injuries but he didn’t know much about what Eddie has endured. 

He would be surprised if Eddie would talk to him at all. 

Bobby had called Frank yesterday while Eddie was talking to the police. He gave Frank a decent summary, however Frank was going to allow the session to be guide by Eddie. 

Eddie showed up right on time, and walked in. His whole body was tense, and it was very obvious. 

“Eddie, how are you doing?”

Easy question, right? 

Eddie laughs slightly. His smile dimmed, and his eyes looked sad and broken. 

“How do you think I’m doing? The man I love, was raped twice. On two separate occasions. The first I didn’t fucking know about” he laughs again, “and the second he was right in front of me and there was nothing I could do. Then, he died. Actually died on me. “ he laughs again, using it as his defense mechanism. It was a sort of a broken laugh. Like he was half present, half floating somewhere else that no one could quite understand or explain. 

Frank leveled his eyes with Eddie, “what are you feeling?” He questioned, keeping his gaze on Eddie. He didn’t need to ask. He already knew, but Eddie needed to realize it for himself. 

The question took Eddie aback. The flashes of the older man over Buck flashed through his mind. Physically he was fine. Mentally. He was so far from it. 

He thought a little more. How did he feel? Sad? Scared? Worthless? Yes. 

But one other rang stronger. 

Coursing through his veins. 

He came to the realization and took a stifled breath in, “helpless.” He said gently, his voice cracking slightly. His body relax slightly and immediately tensed back up. 

Frank offered him a small smile, “good.” He said firmly, sparking a confused look out of Eddie. 

“You’ve said the feeling. Now you can let yourself feel it, then we can make a plan to conquer it.” Frank explained easily, and Eddie nodded. 

“How do I help him?” He asked Frank gently, more so out of desperation than anything else. He would do anything for Buck, especially putting Buck above his own well being. Which he was already doing. But he was here, with Frank, he was trying to focus on himself and just help every one get back to being okay. 

“I can’t give you specifics. However, during his next session I can ask him to write a list and see if he will give it to you. If he doesn’t think he can, I’ll pull you in after he is done and give it to you. Until then, just be there. “ he said gently. 

Eddie nods, thankful Buck would at least have Frank. “Thank you,” he said gently. Eddie knew Buck. He had made an effort to try to be there, and Buck did normally ask when he needed more than Eddie was giving him, or something different. 

~ 

Eddie came home to find Buck sound asleep with his head still resting in Maddie’s lap with his arm draped over her legs. She was on her phone, reading some news article. She looked up and waved at Eddie gently, who offered her a small smile. 

“How are you?” She asked gently, she didn’t want to pry too terribly much, especially if he didn’t want her to. 

Eddie shrugs softly, leaning on the door frame. His eyes said it all but he remained calm. His eyes showed the hurt, the broken. The lost feeling in him. 

“I had a good session today, I don’t know what we accomplished if anything but it helped a little. How’s our guy?” He asked slightly playfully. 

Maddie looked down at her sleeping brother, his cheeks still red and his eyes puffy. “He woke up screaming, and started to cry but didn’t want to talk. He cried until he passed out again,” she said gently, studying Eddie’s reaction. 

Eddie frowned gently. He hated all of this. The feeling that he couldn’t help Buck no matter how hard he tried, that he wasn’t good enough to save him. 

He felt like he wasn’t good enough for Buck, which he knew was crazy. 

But was it? 

Eddie let his body slide down the side of the door until he was sitting on the floor, resting his head back against the wall with a soft thud. 

“Maddie, can I ask you something?” He asked gently, his eyes focusing up to look at her. 

She nods, “of course.” She responded. She knew it was going to be one of two questions. 

Eddie watches her, his eyes flickering down to Buck. “What.... what helped you the most?” He asked gently. 

Maddie follows Eddie’s gaze down to Buck, the question making her cringe softly. She hated she was having this conversation with her brother’s boyfriend. She hated that this conversation had to happen because it meant her brother was hurt. He was so hurt, and she couldn’t stop his pain. 

Maddie snapped her self out of her spiral before it got worse. “I don’t know exactly. When I needed to be around someone, that helped. But when I knew I needed to be alone that also helped. Talking in therapy, and group therapy really helped me but I don’t know if it will help him. I know he’s been seeing Frank and I think that’s a start,” she explained gently. 

She understood the nightmares. She didn’t fully understand what it was liked to be assaulted as a guy, or what Eddie was going through, but she understood clawing your way out of hell. 

And that’s exactly what they were doing. 

“Eddie, he may never be fully back to Buck. He’ll have good days, but triggers can come out of no where. And Eddie, you’re never going to fully get back to being yourself either. “ she said gently. 

Maddie really wouldn’t be surprised if they decided to move. After all, there were still blood stains on the hard wood floor. 

They could begin to heal, but so long as they were in that house they would reach a plateau when they don’t need to. 

Eddie nodded softly, “is it that obvious?” He asked gently, “how not okay I am?” 

Maddie shook her head. “Eddie, you’re pretending to be strong, but to whose benefit? Yours? Bucks’? Us?” She asked gently. “Eddie, you’re not going to heal until you let yourself feel the emotions. You and Buck both need to feel your emotions. You need to process, and lean on each other not just let him lean on you.” She explained softly, “he will be okay, and so will you, but pretending to be okay is going to get you no where.” 

Maddie studied Eddie. She studied how his body shifted into a slightly more closed off stance. How his face was calm, features even but his eyes revealed a world of hurt. She watched the nervous tap of his foot, and how his breath stifled in his chest. She watched his body tense, then relax then tense back up. She was worried for him, for both of them. 

She was serious, though. When she said they would get through this. And she was right, they would. But at what cost? They would never be the same. Between the nightmares, the triggers, and the personality damage alone. They needed to figure out who they were as individuals before they could figure out who they were to each other. But she wouldn’t suggest they take a break. That’s up to them to decide and work through. 

Eddie sighed softly, and nodded. He was never the ‘let’s talk about emotions’ guy. He was always the guy in control, until he wasn’t. As of now he was okay but two hours from now? Hell, two minutes from now could be a different story. 

Buck’s body flinched, his muscles tensed and his face tightened. He let out a soft whimper tightening his grip on his sisters legs causing both of their focus to immediately be on him. He didn’t wake up, but he groaned softly then his body relaxed. 

Maddie’s eyes flashed to Eddie and she saw the worry immediately on his face. “Eddie, breathe” she said gently. Then she realized Eddie couldn’t hear her which was miserable because she couldn’t move to comfort him and pull him out of it. 

“Eddie, it’s me, Maddie. Listen to my voice. Focus on my voice. Where ever you are right now, it’s in the past. You and Buck are safe. Your son is safe. Everyone is safe. You are okay, you will be okay. Just focus on my voice and breathe, nice and slow. In and out. You will be okay. Eddie, I promise you. “ 

Maddie kept talking until Eddie’s expression flickered with pain and his eyes fluttered, landing on Buck then her. He nodded a soft thank you, and she offered him a smile. If there’s one thing she could do decently well, it’s talk someone back from a flash back. 

Again, Buck’s body tensed. His eye lids fluttering but staying closed and his body cringing. He whimpered, his grip tightening around Maddie’s legs again. His eyes jumped open, and he groaned rolling away from Maddie and hiding his face in the mattress. Eddie got up and sat next to Buck on the other side of Maddie. 

“Buck?” He asked gently. Buck rolled over and essentially jumped into Eddie’s arms. He was relieved Eddie was okay. Eddie instinctively wrapped his arms around Buck, and Buck wrapped his legs around Eddie’s waist now sitting completely in his lap. Buck burried his face in Eddie’s neck and cried softly, holding on for dear life. 

Eddie held buck close, his hand rubbing the younger mans back. He whispered soft coos of, “I love you”, “you’re safe now” and “I’m here now” on repeat until Buck calmed back down, but his grip didn’t loosen. 

Maddie got off the bed and went to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with a glass of water. “Drink up,” she said gently and Buck took the glass. 

He took a sip slowly, as if the motion was causing him physical pain and emotional distress. 

This causes both Eddie and Maddie to exchange a glance. “Baby?” Eddie asked softly. “Why don’t you want to drink?” He asked while placing a kiss on Buck’s forehead. 

Buck shrugged softly, taking another sip to appease his sister and Eddie before returning the still full cup and nuzzling back into Eddie’s neck. 

Eddie and Maddie exchanged a worried glance again, and Eddie pulls Buck tighter into his embrace. 

Buck eventually calmed down, happy to be wrapped in Eddie’s arms. He stayed perfectly still, and didn’t even flinch when Eddie picked him up and changed how he had been sitting. 

Maddie stuck around for a few hours, then left the pair for the night. They needed to heal, and for now they were okay doing that with only each other. 

After about two hours, Buck fell asleep still nuzzled in Eddie’s chest, leaving Eddie to his thoughts. 

Eddie held Buck close, his hand rubbing his back or stroking his hair. He got his phone to see a missed call from Bobby, which he would return later. 

For now, they were okay. The initial trauma was over and it would be okay. They would be okay, in time, everything would work out. 

Right? 

They just needed time. 

Time heals all wounds, right? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make this a series! So this is the end of the first in the series, and I need to figure out how to create a series but that is a tomorrow job. Not a today job. 
> 
> I hope you liked Eddie bonding with Maddie! 
> 
> And if you’re still here, thank you so much for the continued support. It means so so much.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Comments/kudos make my day.


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